Stop Playing the Blame Game and Take Control

The Blame Game is a game we ALL play very well and sadly enough, often. In fact, we have become such masters in it because we played the game most of our lives. We tend to blame our family, friends, spouses, neighbors, pets, co-workers, our boss, our kids, and so on and so on, just about everybody for why our lives isn’t working the way they are supposed to. And if blaming people weren’t enough, we also tend to blame non-living entities such as the government, media, nature, money, etc. for the very same reasons. It is for the very nature we feel entitled to have an amazing life that often times lead to us not having one at all.

Entitlement is a conditioned feeling we have that everyone and everything is responsible for our success. And if we are not having any of it, it’s because someone or something is responsible for our lack of happiness whether it may be in the home, work, relationships or play. We feel that our loss of a job, loss of a spouse, loss of health, loss of happiness and income, loss of respect or loss of control is something that we don’t control. We fail to see that, maybe, the real cause of why our lives isn’t working is the person who stares directly back at us in the bathroom mirror. Only one person is responsible for the quality of the life you live… YOU!

The concept of being responsible is not an easy one to accept. If you want to be successful you need to be wholly responsible for everything that goes on in your life. You and you alone are the cause of whether or not you succeed or fail. No one or nothing else is responsible. It’s not your spouse, or your boyfriend/girlfriend, it’s not the weather, your boss, the kids, the traffic, the dog, the economy, the fats in the food you eat, etc. It is you!

Being able to take full responsibility for your life gives you power! Because if you believe that you are responsible for the results than you can see that you are responsible for the change. What you’ve created in your circumstance you can un-create. What you’ve done, you can undo at will. Without seeing yourself as a source of power, you will forever be subjected to the winds of fate. You’re a leaf in the wind, a rudderless boat. Unable to control your life, you become a victim of it.

So being responsible requires that you quit playing the blame game, stop all your victim stories, and your whinings. You need to stop with all the excuses of why your life isn’t going the way it is supposed to be going. You have to give up your need to be right, you feelings of entitlement, the fears, and the ignorance. You also have to get rid of the emotions and the feelings of being a victim of a past based circumstance of what someone said or did to you that has caused you grief.

Rather you need to assume control of your life and believe that only you have the power to dictate the direction of where you life will be going and growing. What is important to believe is that what you will have from this point on in your life is what you will get to create for yourself. You are ultimately the creator of your life.

But this is where it becomes complex. Where someone else can cause an accident where you are have been hurt, it normal to conclude that other person is to blame, and rightly so. Events and circumstances like this happen to everyone of us on a day to day basis and they happen many times without our knowledge and control. So how do we manage these events and circumstances? They only way we can is through the power of personal choice. We get to control how we choose to respond to these situations. We can choose that we are either victims of circumstances or we can choose to be victors of circumstances. Feelings of victory that ultimately lead us to peace, ease, contentment and a sense of pride knowing that we have handled the situation like mature emotionally grounded individuals.

By controlling our responses by controlling your thoughts, we get to ultimately change the overall outcome. In other words by changing the feelings of our fate we can change the outcome. No longer will we be kept in fear when we remember and relive a past based memory. No longer will we allow someone else’s ill opinion or actions dictate how we feel about ourselves or our lives. No longer will we allow our circumstances to direct our lives. The winds of fate may blow us but we can still steer ourselves into the direction guided by our stars.

 

Live from Your Source of Purpose

Being extraordinary means living an extraordinary life. Living an extraordinary life means your living from your source of purpose. Therefore, finding your life’s mission must be your first and foremost responsibility in order to live an extraordinary life. It is living your truth, your true authentic self. And when you live your true authentic self you get to be fully alive. Because until this time, until your know your mission and have aligned your life to accomplishing it, you will always feel empty. And ultimately you will be in disservice to yourself, your family and humanity.

The result is an empty feeling as if there is something you should be doing but aren’t. If you get married before you had the opportunity to understand and live from your purpose, your will not be able to fully give yourself your wife. You will be constantly searching for outward materialism to fulfill the emptiness inside: large flat panel TVs, new cars, and bigger homes. If “stuff” can’t bring happiness we immerse ourselves in our work committing more of our lives and our time believing that a corner office, a bigger title and a larger salary will bring us what we are missing. Next it’s the younger mistress, and those late night trysts. And when materialism and forbidden sex can no longer cut it, we resort to drugs and alcohol. It becomes a disturbing and ever so common dilemma in the modern age. We consume and numb ourselves to death, because we seek for answers outside ourselves. It’s easier to find the answers out there than to face the fear in ourselves. The fear that we may never find out what ultimately inspires us. But it is a fear that we must face, and the best way to face it is with other people who are looking for it themselves or have already found their truth. Get a mentor, take a seminar, read a book, do what it takes to find your passion.

 

Have Clarity in Your Purpose

God gave us the gift of life. How we choose to live it is our gift to him.

I believe everybody has a reason for being. We are all born with a purpose, a set of skills, a bevy of abilities, and a talent or two. Our life should be in the uncovering, identifying and expressing these gifts to benefit humanity. For those who have been fortunate enough to uncover it early in their lives they have gone on to develop them into careers and prosper. They recognized early on and utilized their talents, gifts and abilities whether it is through their vocal skills, artistic abilities, capacity to decipher complex numbers, turn ideas to money making enterprises, motivate people, or run the 100 meter dash in 6 seconds.

Then there are others who only after years of life experiences, contemplation, trial, tribulation and errors have found theirs. Some stumbled on to it by accident, others their friends and family tell them of it, while the rest practice heavily on an interest until it became easy. Then there are the vast others who have yet to uncover their gifts and interests and develop them into careers that will ultimately add to their lives in ways they can only comprehend.

I’ve uncovered my interest while watching an old comedy drama called Soap where Billy Crystal played a gay member of the family. In one of the episodes, a family member who was experiencing a relationship problem confided in him which he obliged by giving his advice. I can’t exactly remember what he said, but he said it so eloquently and so beautifully touching that in the end when asked where did he “come up with these things” he just said “I don’t know. Words just come out of my mouth like fruits falling from a tree.” I said “Wow! I want to be able to do that. I want to help others just through the beauty of my words, and expression of  my thoughts.” So while my friends and family wanted to be stock brokers, doctors, rock stars, business men, etc. I wanted to be the wise sage, the old man on the mountain that people come to for advice. But I didn’t know how to make a living doing that. Back then Anthony Robbins didn’t exist. I never heard of self-help or self-development. So I tabled the desire and became just another hard working self-employed, loyal husband, good friend, etc. not fully expressing my true calling. It wasn’t until the last ten or so years of my life that I recognized how much I enjoyed talking, inspiring and motivating people to live amazing lives. I discovered that the true purpose of my life is to help others find theirs, to help others heal from their emotional scars, to be a source where others can find safety as they transform themselves into who they are supposed to become..

Now I want to be an author, trainer and public speaker. I’m not particularly great at either of them. In fact, my teacher told me to drop English Comp 101 in college, or he was going to flunk me. But still I knew that I had an ability to write even if it’s a bit better than my friends. So I practiced and practiced and even now I still practice so I write my blogs and read self development literature, attend programs, watch self-development videos, everyday. I know that in order for me to live to my fullest potential I need to work on it everyday!

So what is your purpose in life? What are you passionate about? What interests or abilities, regardless on the size of them, can you develop to produce income? What is it that you love to do, can do easily or are naturally good at? How can you develop them into your purpose? When you are on purpose, eventually people, resources and opportunities you need to accomplish them will start to gravitate your way. Once you decide what your purpose in life is, then start to organize all your activities around accomplishing that purpose. This purpose will act as your guide and like a compass point you, your goals, and your actions into the right direction. You don’t want to get to the top of your profession only to realize that it no longer fulfills you. We all know of someone who after 20-30-40 years at a given profession, quit because they are burnt out doing something they never really liked to do. It’s like climbing to the top of a very tall ladder only to find out it’s been leaning on the wrong wall all this time.

 

So how do you find your passion and purpose?

Well one way is to let your inner joy be your guide. What is it that you enjoy doing most? The more you live your authentic self, which is who your really are, the more joy and peace you will experience. You will work harder, maybe even work longer, you may even sacrifice other things in the enjoyment of your work. In the process, your income will also increase.

 To help you find your purpose:

1. Make a list of the things you are naturally good at (your talents and your abilities)
2. Make a list of all the things you enjoy doing and can easily do better than anyone else you know personally
3. Imagine a perfect world, one in which you no longer have to worry about making money to eat, have a comfortable lifestyle. How would that perfect world look like to you? What would you be doing to contribute to that perfect world.

So make it a priority to find out what you are most passionate about. Do what it takes to live with purpose.

This afternoon, I met someone while dining with two friends at an exclusive yacht club in the Big Island of Hawaii. As we ate our lunch overlooking the Pacific Ocean, listening to the deep blue and white waves crash over the jagged black volcanic rocks on a beautiful warm day, we were approached by a friend of one of my friends. He told us that he no longer works as a self employed cabinet maker, something that after 25 years doing being one of the best in Hawaii. A field his father told him to be and do because he it is a “profession he can take anywhere and make money in it.” Now he works as a personal trainer for the gym at the club. He proclaims it’s something he’s always wanted to do and loves doing. Now if he can only find a way to make money being a professional body builder he will do that to.

 

Number one Rule for Success

What makes some men more successful than others is that those who’ve achieved extraordinary results in their lives have done so because they had an immutable belief in themselves. They knew that if they are to make their dreams a reality and accomplish their goals, they have to believe that they are capable of doing so. This level of personal belief, confidence, an self-esteem comes from the deepest part of our inner core. It is this internal source that powers our abilities, movements, thoughts, talents and skills to do their job and perform the tasks at hand.

Believing in yourself is a gift no one but yourself can give you. Unfortunately most of us tend to believe in the ill and negative thoughts, advice and comments from people around us. We derive our self-beliefs and thoughts about ourselves from others rather than on ourselves. We internalize past conversations and actions people had on us, as if their negative opinions really matters. In the end without being able to strengthen our self confidence we are left nothing other than with past based conversations about our feelings of self worth. The danger lies when we allow the painful words the grade school bully or a teasing sibling said to us to dictate and condition us as to how we should really be feeling about ourselves in the present.

Self belief is an internal dialogue you constantly have in your mind as to your ability to perform that which is important to you. It is a dialogue that you have had since the time you developed the ability to think and process your place on earth. There is a saying that if you see it, you’ll believe it. The truth is that you’ll see it only when you believe it.

By believing that you can do anything, open ups the possibility that anything is possible. This mind set is essential for it triggers an attitude of confidence, allowing you to do what’s necessary to bring about the desired outcome and subsequently the desired income. Speaking the words to yourself that you can do what necessary creates a self fulfilling prophecy. You and only you control the outcome of life through your mental and physical responses to it. To do what’s important in the fulfillment of your goal requires a strong confident attitude about it.

One way to instill confidence and belief is to give up certain words or phrases that denote fear and uncertainly. You will need to give up these words for they can actually dis-empower and rob you of your ability. Of all the negative words, “I can’t!” is the most damaging. The moment those words are spoken before a desire action, such as “I can’t swim” or I can’t work that hard” than it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. No matter how hard you work, as long you those words were uttered or imagine, chances are it never gets done. The words “I can’t…”

If you allow the negative opinions, and comments from others to cloud your path to your goals, you’ll never make it. Make your personal choices about your goals your own, follow what your heart and mind say, rather than basing it on the often times unrefined and ignorant judgement of others.

 

Live in persistent self development

For the past year I’ve been conducting research and writing stories on what makes champions excel. The stories are part of a workbook that I’m writing to help inspire and empower people to pursue their own goals. Of the qualities that I find champions have in common with each other is their persistence pursuit towards self and professional development.

Champions have an innate desire to consistently improve their “game” whether it is off the court or on the field. Achievers in all fields are committed to their success and therefore are passionate in their continual development. I believe that when you’re at the top of your game everyone will try to pull you down, therefore in order to, at the minimal keep your status quo, you need to always be, as they way in golf, improving your swing.

New technology, techniques, designs, and processes are invented and refined everyday to make what’s current better, faster, and stronger. Whether it is cell phones or cars, athletes or actors, today’s “model” is easily forgotten in less than several months after its debut once another faster, or better, model comes along. Only human beings have the ability to continuously adapt and continually improve whereby a car or computer’s ability to acquire add-ons is limited by its capacity to do so. Constant pursuit of self development therefore is essential for continued success and survival. Those who dedicate their lives and make it a personal mandate to improve are the ones who thrive beyond the realm of others.

The process of improvement is the same regardless if you are a expert in your field or a total newbie. It doesn’t require much other than knowing what it is that you want and taking small steps to gradually improve. Achieving greatness doesn’t come over night. It never will. Never has. It is the accumulation of days, months and years of a steady work. It’s like building a castle, one brick at time. One small step leading to another, one brick laid at a time, sooner or later, it starts to take shape. Manage each step and take the time to master each one and as you build on one small success at a time you will soon start to see the product and revel in your accomplishment. Can you imagine Tiger Woods quitting golf after a few disappointing games early in his career? He literally built his profession one swing at a time. When he’s not developing his outer game he’s developing his inner game. He is one of the most focused players ever.

So what new skills are you willing to learn? Are you willing to go back to school? How will you develop yourself and improve on your career and life. Keep yourself focused and stay committed on continual self development by asking yourself “What am I going to do learn today? How will I improve?” Then go out and do it.

 

Find your purpose and life’s deeper meaning

What do you consider to be life’s most intimate question? The question that comes to mind may be similar to a question that generations of people, from the time conscious thought was awakened to our present condition, have struggled to answer. It’s asked in many different ways and in every different language: What is the reason for my life? Why do I exist? Why am I here? What is my purpose in life? It is said that God gave us the gift of life. Living life with purpose is our gift in return

Finding one’s purpose is similar to finding one’s personal Holy Grail… and we all have a Grail to seek. It is our ultimate quest, for within its treasure lies the secret map to our existence, our reason for being. For in finding it, we find ourselves; freeing us from the numbness we created in our lives. There are those who search for it in hidden pages of books and through the wisdom of a guru, shaman, or a holy man. Others handsomely pay for a quick-fix motivational speech to satiate themselves, even though the “fix” may quickly turn into hunger for the next paid seminar. Others embrace religion, hoping it will light their path and give them redemption for not living a life they were called to live. The rest of us take the easy generic way out and define purpose as “happiness” not wanting to fully acknowledge that happiness is a present state-of-being, an ever fleeting emotion; here today, gone tomorrow.

Living your purpose is a tangible and visible action you exert on the physical plane of existence. Being able to attach your actions to the deep calling you have within you awakens your spirit, it ties your inner world with your outer world, the tangible with the intangible. Only then will you be able to say your life is complete. Like the yin and the yang symbol, both halves are needed to be joined in order to be whole. In the end, true happiness results from living a life fully engaged in the exploration and expression of your purpose.

Lee Rosten once said. “the purpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible, to be honorable, to be compassionate. It is, after all, to stand for something, to have made some difference that you lived at all.” I am convinced that everyone is born to fulfill on a life’s purpose. Finding what that purpose is and living it with passion and enthusiasm, as quickly as possible, is what every successful person has committed themselves to.

I believe that everyone is born with a seed of purpose planted inside us all. Our mission is to uncover, acknowledge and nurture that seed so that we may align all our actions and resources towards it growth. When we are on purpose our lives fall into place because we are doing not just what were interested in but we are doing what we love. We perform with ease because we are exhibiting our natural talents and gifts. The result is that life. people and opportunities gravitate towards us to help us along. In the end, humanity and life itself benefits when we are complete. When we connect actions to our purpose, we complete with the inner spirit inside us all; finding not just happiness, but bliss.

The answers we all seek are not hidden in the pages of a book nor can it be deciphered from the cryptic words of a holy man. The answer, our Holy Grail, have never been lost. It’s been with us all along. Covered over a thin sheer veil waiting to be discovered, it leaves clues in plain site everywhere in our lives: the unfulfilling job, the loveless relationship, the yearning for more, the failing health. Unfortunately, society, family, the government, organized religion, expectations, culture and the interests of business and the media offer distractions. We are responsible for the choice to wander afar from our true nature or to find ourselves in the calling of our souls. The yearning for a more meaningful life – however you define that meaning for yourself – is a signpost. A new beginning is ready to meet your next step.

 

So how do we connect with our inner selves?

To answer this question, I’ve asked my friend and mentor, my guru, Cordelle Neufeld, spiritual director and founder of OpenPaths Retreats, for his insight. He replied with a story about blackberries (the kind that you eat).

“This morning I went for a walk. Along the way, I happened upon a bramble of blackberries that were ripe and waiting to be noticed. I picked a handful amongst the thorns, and then picked myself out of the thorny canes that arched around me and grabbed hold of my bright, orange T-shirt. The blackberries were sweet because they had been nourished by water, sunshine, and shade. I “happened” across the blackberries because I walked a path of creative intent. And, even though I was focused in my walk upon listening to an inspirational message, my “now-eyes” were open. In other words, I was open to notice and to receive.

As I was walking, listening, and aligning to my intent for the day, I was also attending to my sense of self and connection. The surprise of blackberries was an invitation for me to pause, reshift priorities, connect, and to expand into the joy of the moment. The water that nurtured the growth of the blackberries I enjoyed is like the cleansing or clearing of clutter that we need in our lives to live in alignment with a sense of call. The sunshine given to the blackberries is like our connection to people that inspire us to become more of who we are – creative, strong, and whole.

The shade necessary to the sweet taste of blackberries is like our time of contemplation, meditation, and inspired flow. Without times of shade (or retreat), the fruit of our endeavors may form, but not as full, plump, and satisfyingly sweet. Each of us connects to our inner selves in different ways. This morning, the taste of blackberries invited a softening inside of me and reminded me to honor the shade-time of my heart.”